No One Believes Children
Unless they’re so big it’s impossible to ignore them, children’s mental health issues are seen as something they’ll eventually “grow out of’’.
As adults, we love to believe children have it easy. We think that all they do is play, eat and sleep, and that ‘“real-world problems’’ don’t affect them.
And how could they? Kids don’t need to pay taxes or worry about healthcare, they don’t have to provide for their families, they don’t worry about losing their job. Children don’t have cars they can’t afford to buy and responsibilities they can’t escape, so they must be living in bliss, right?
We’re used to seeing kids show great emotions: everything’s intense and fast and overwhelming. They scream if they’re happy daddy has come home from work and they scream if they’re angry mom won’t let them eat another piece of cake. They cry if they’re scared because the ride is too fast and they’ll cry if they’re sad they dropped their ice cream cone. They throw temper tantrums and show big emotions so often that by now we’re so used to it; we not only expect them to — but we also ignore it.
With age, we learn how to filter through what we’re feeling and how to showcase our emotions in a “socially acceptable’’ manner. So it makes sense that we find children confusing: we don’t know what to make of so much intensity.
Unfortunately, it’s often hard for adults to tell the difference between what is real and what is exaggerated when the source of the story is a child. They’re almost expected to make things up.
But here’s the thing: a six-year-old can’t tell you they’re depressed — they have no idea what that is.
Eventually, growing up they’ll understand how to put their emotions and complex moods into words and “proper labels’’ yet if a teenager expresses concern for their mental health, more often than not it’ll be written off as attention-seeking.
As human beings, we like to think we understand those around us and see through them. Sometimes, we’re arrogant enough we don’t even listen before making assumptions. Often parents believe they know best simply because well, they’re the parents.
Real emotional vulnerability in families where one or more components suffer from mental health issues is unfortunately and surprisingly rare. Kids and teenagers may choose to stay silent simply because they aren’t listened to, or because all they hear is “it’ll pass’’. That’d leave anybody feeling misunderstood.
At the perfect dinner table the perfect family sits down and talks openly; everybody speaks and everybody listens and everything works out fine.
But this utopic idea is very far from everyday reality for most of us. We have to deal with expectations, taboos, and possible rejection. Many young adults don’t talk about their issues because who would if they’d grown up in a household where mental health isn’t seen as a valid topic of discussion?
Does all of this mean kids don’t exhaggerate their feelings and teenagers don’t need attention? Of course not. But not all which is said by the younger generations is to be seen as a desperate cry to impress those around them.
Expecting everything young people around you say to be false has many difficult and ugly effects on them. It scares teens and children into silence as well as installing in them the belief that whatever they’re going through isn’t “bad enough’’, they’ll be less likely to ask for help later on.
So what can we do?
We can start by bringing change to our own dinner tables. Holding a safe space for our loved ones, especially our children, is of fundamental importance. We need to teach them, as well as each other, how to listen and how to be heard.
There’s no such thing as a wrong emotion or feeling — and we need to honor that.
Thinking that whatever a child says is exaggerated is easy and most of the time some sort of “convenient’’ for an adult who has to deal with their own problems. But should we really allow ourselves to pick and choose what is real and what isn’t, just based on our hasty perception of their personal reality?
Do we really want to create more silence and taboos about such topics, bringing more darkness and pain in these conversations, instead of healing our collective perception of them?
When someone confides in you, be it a story about their day or the blood-chilling summary of the traumatic experience they’ve been through, hold space for them if you can.
Talking openly and honestly is easy when you’re a child, yet we often lose this skill as time goes on — we don’t feel listened enough. So open up your heart and your space to the chance of being a light for someone close to you. Let them be. Every now and then, allow yourself to listen.
